Not as long

Hey there....since I figure most of you have given up on me ever posting on my blog...I figured this is a safe place for me to vent my feelings....and my frustrations.....and THEN...I will end on a positive note...at least I will try to. So - lately I have just been really sick of....ME. Please tell me Im not the only one out there that ever feels this way - wait - I already said that no one will read this so never mind. Its just that there is so much I want to do, so much that needs done, never enough time AND....worst of all, I have lost all of my motivation to do pretty much everything I love....this isn't unusual for me - i seem to go through spurts - there are times when I just can't do enough - enough projects, friends, people, calling, hubby, life - but other times, I honestly feel like I could just curl up in a ball - and sleep for the rest of my life. So you are thinking - depression....DING DING DING DING DING...we have a winner - not something I am unfamiliar with - the older I get the more I realize that depression is something I have struggled with pretty much througout my entire life - so why is it bothering me now? Maybe it's because Im 42 years old - and im thinking most of the time...Soooooo what? Really? This is it? Or maybe it's cuz I look in the mirror sometimes and can't recognize myself any more and think.....really? Who even cares anymore....this is just as good as I'll ever get - and then dislike myself even more. And the VERY worst part is that I am SO blessed - and have nothing to complain about - nothing to be depressed about - and yet I am - so there it is.....ANOTHER reason to not like ME! Thankfully I am going to go talk to my doctor this week - see if he can recommend anything to help me feel more on my game.....im sure he will say it's depression...he will say loose weight...DUH......he will say exercise more......he will say you are pre-menopausal....REALLY? and he will say here is a pill to make you feel better.....which will just make me feel worse in the long run. ANYWHO.......Im putting this out into the void-----women DO INDEED go through mid life crisises......they are SO not fun....and hopefully I can pull myself outta this one fast......cuz I really do have SO much to do! On the lighter side of things. I love my calling - Im still the Relief Society President - and there are amazing women in my ward...thing is - I don't feel like I do anything for them.....like the time for me to be FRANTICALLY serving them has come to an end....I do what Im supposed to do - but thats about it....Im sure it's a phase - things like this always ebb and flow with me - and I had a recent situation that threw me off.....with my counselor and the bishops wife...and things just haven't been the same for me since - not sure why.....but it SERIOUSLY took the wind outta my sails.....stole my mojo......whatever you wanna say......it just got hard - first time in the two years that I have had this calling that I have not enjoyed it. But like I said - I know I just need to dig back in - and serve the sisters and I will feel better! I have to - I can't feel worse. My daughter Cassie - the love of my life has turned into this AWFUL pre teen PMSing monster....but only half the time. Most of the time she is actually still my sweet helpful wonderful cassie....but if things don't go her EXACT way....she throws a fit like you wouldn't believe...and I look at her and wonder - as im ARGUING with her......WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY DAUGHTER!!! Poor thing - she gets frustrated about it too...it's all about being a woman i guess...but I really am scared that it's gonna mess up our relationship - cuz im not exactly quiet about things that I don't like. I really need to just keep my mouth shut when it comes to her outfits - as long as they aren't imodest...but what do I say when she asks my opinion and I have NO IDEA what answer she is looking for? ARGH......lets just say that in her mind I will SO not be nominated for mother of the year.....not for SEVERAL years in the future im sure..... My sweet baby boy Skyler is growing up so fast and OH the cute things he says....the one that seems to get the biggest reaction from EVERYONE is the way he says Truck.....he says truck with NO T and NO R....but with an F instead....LOVELY when he says it at church.....you should see the LOOKS we get when we are in PUBLIC>......thanks sky guy! He says Twinkle Star and holds up anything he can over his head and sings the song, he is the most helpful little man ever - wants to help clean EVERYTHING and wants to do EVERYTHING I am doing....he LOVES his sister...he loves his FAMILY....very sweet with hugs and kisses - knows if he can't get me to do something to go ask his sister and she will get it done...naughty. He loves to play his running running game...which is him holding your hand and running - favorite thing to do! His wants to play with his Shober...shovel...all the time and will dig even things you REALLY don't want dug...he is love, and joy and light, and happy, and sweet, and kind, and peace and everything wonderful......I love him Joel is awesome - of course he is - he always has be....always will be im sure. He just finished his hardest class ever - according to him....and he PASSED.....he worked really hard - he is still the most awesome dad....my kids are SERIOUSLY lucky to have him......NOT kidding! So am I...in spite of everything I am not.....he seems to only see what I am......and I love him for it. Shiloh is still around - and he always will be because I will NOT think of the alternative - because that means I will be in the funny farm......Cassie has two pet rats right now....GROSS right? Actually they are pretty fun and smart...and entertaining...and because it's Cassie...the PERFECT pets for her.....Unique. See - I said I would try to end on a positive note....and see again...I have nothing to complain about - my life is SO much easier that SO many peoples lives...but one thing I have learned...it's all relative - we all have our own happy. So....Im going to try really hard to find mine......i just have to figure out what that looks like for me again - and work to get it.

A whole year!

I decided to check my blog....just to see how long it had been since I last posted.....a WHOLE YEAR.....plus a couple of weeks! Skyler is now two, Cassie is almost 12.....and SO much has happened. We had a lesson at church a few weeks ago, and a sister brought with her the books from her blog that she had printed....she uses her blog as a family history...and has a book for the last several years. I have decided to follow her example, and use my blog to journal what is going on in our lives. To nutshell where we are right now, I am still serving as the Relief Society President, Cassie is doing great at school this year, although for some reason we have really struggle to stay on top of our game...lots of late mornings, lots of hurried breakfasts, lots of frustrating mornings, and I will take full responsibility for that! Joel is still working at UOP, and he is in school....hopefully he will finish soon....I SO want him to finish soon! I am working on projects....trash to treasure projects.....it is a way for me to feel like I am creating something.....and a nice creative outlet for me. Cassie is dealing with the tween years....friend drama.....boy drama......mama drama.....I can't WAIT until she is 14! Oh wait....YES I CAN! She is the most amazing kid...and even though we don't get along every day.......we are close, and she talks with me and shares with me what is going on in her life....what more could I ask for! Joel is the most amazing husband ever. I love him....he is my soul mate. Skyler.....well my little skyler pants is the light of my life. He is the most AMAZING little boy! He says the funniest things, does the funniest things.....Lub Boo Mommy, thank you mommy, Ummmmm YUP, Running,....running, running........Nack for snack, AMEN.....he folds his arms for prayers, gives hugs and kisses....LOVES big family group hugs more than anything else, is OBSESSED with B Ball....football, soccer and ANY sport involving a ball.....which makes his Daddy VERY happy! he watches sports with his daddy any chance he gets. He LOVES Curious George, and wants to read books ALL DAY LONG. He helps carry my purse to the car, helps carry groceries in from the car, wants to help with the dishes, sweeping, cleaning.....ANYTHING he can do to help his family. He is a joy.....the sweetest laugh ever....and my favorite....he has started laughing at the funniest things....which makes me laugh. Mainly when someone has fallen down......or when he is being naughty.....I don't let him see me smile or laugh about it, but how can I help myself? Our sweet shiloh is still around.....he keeps me company and makes me feel loved.....adored is more like it. He is the best dog ever! A week or so ago our upstairs flooded.....I will post pictures - what a MESS....but new carpet is fun!