Not as long

Hey there....since I figure most of you have given up on me ever posting on my blog...I figured this is a safe place for me to vent my feelings....and my frustrations.....and THEN...I will end on a positive note...at least I will try to. So - lately I have just been really sick of....ME. Please tell me Im not the only one out there that ever feels this way - wait - I already said that no one will read this so never mind. Its just that there is so much I want to do, so much that needs done, never enough time AND....worst of all, I have lost all of my motivation to do pretty much everything I love....this isn't unusual for me - i seem to go through spurts - there are times when I just can't do enough - enough projects, friends, people, calling, hubby, life - but other times, I honestly feel like I could just curl up in a ball - and sleep for the rest of my life. So you are thinking - depression....DING DING DING DING DING...we have a winner - not something I am unfamiliar with - the older I get the more I realize that depression is something I have struggled with pretty much througout my entire life - so why is it bothering me now? Maybe it's because Im 42 years old - and im thinking most of the time...Soooooo what? Really? This is it? Or maybe it's cuz I look in the mirror sometimes and can't recognize myself any more and think.....really? Who even cares anymore....this is just as good as I'll ever get - and then dislike myself even more. And the VERY worst part is that I am SO blessed - and have nothing to complain about - nothing to be depressed about - and yet I am - so there it is.....ANOTHER reason to not like ME! Thankfully I am going to go talk to my doctor this week - see if he can recommend anything to help me feel more on my game.....im sure he will say it's depression...he will say loose weight...DUH......he will say exercise more......he will say you are pre-menopausal....REALLY? and he will say here is a pill to make you feel better.....which will just make me feel worse in the long run. ANYWHO.......Im putting this out into the void-----women DO INDEED go through mid life crisises......they are SO not fun....and hopefully I can pull myself outta this one fast......cuz I really do have SO much to do! On the lighter side of things. I love my calling - Im still the Relief Society President - and there are amazing women in my ward...thing is - I don't feel like I do anything for them.....like the time for me to be FRANTICALLY serving them has come to an end....I do what Im supposed to do - but thats about it....Im sure it's a phase - things like this always ebb and flow with me - and I had a recent situation that threw me off.....with my counselor and the bishops wife...and things just haven't been the same for me since - not sure why.....but it SERIOUSLY took the wind outta my sails.....stole my mojo......whatever you wanna say......it just got hard - first time in the two years that I have had this calling that I have not enjoyed it. But like I said - I know I just need to dig back in - and serve the sisters and I will feel better! I have to - I can't feel worse. My daughter Cassie - the love of my life has turned into this AWFUL pre teen PMSing monster....but only half the time. Most of the time she is actually still my sweet helpful wonderful cassie....but if things don't go her EXACT way....she throws a fit like you wouldn't believe...and I look at her and wonder - as im ARGUING with her......WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY DAUGHTER!!! Poor thing - she gets frustrated about it too...it's all about being a woman i guess...but I really am scared that it's gonna mess up our relationship - cuz im not exactly quiet about things that I don't like. I really need to just keep my mouth shut when it comes to her outfits - as long as they aren't imodest...but what do I say when she asks my opinion and I have NO IDEA what answer she is looking for? ARGH......lets just say that in her mind I will SO not be nominated for mother of the year.....not for SEVERAL years in the future im sure..... My sweet baby boy Skyler is growing up so fast and OH the cute things he says....the one that seems to get the biggest reaction from EVERYONE is the way he says Truck.....he says truck with NO T and NO R....but with an F instead....LOVELY when he says it at church.....you should see the LOOKS we get when we are in PUBLIC>......thanks sky guy! He says Twinkle Star and holds up anything he can over his head and sings the song, he is the most helpful little man ever - wants to help clean EVERYTHING and wants to do EVERYTHING I am doing....he LOVES his sister...he loves his FAMILY....very sweet with hugs and kisses - knows if he can't get me to do something to go ask his sister and she will get it done...naughty. He loves to play his running running game...which is him holding your hand and running - favorite thing to do! His wants to play with his Shober...shovel...all the time and will dig even things you REALLY don't want dug...he is love, and joy and light, and happy, and sweet, and kind, and peace and everything wonderful......I love him Joel is awesome - of course he is - he always has be....always will be im sure. He just finished his hardest class ever - according to him....and he PASSED.....he worked really hard - he is still the most awesome dad....my kids are SERIOUSLY lucky to have him......NOT kidding! So am I...in spite of everything I am not.....he seems to only see what I am......and I love him for it. Shiloh is still around - and he always will be because I will NOT think of the alternative - because that means I will be in the funny farm......Cassie has two pet rats right now....GROSS right? Actually they are pretty fun and smart...and entertaining...and because it's Cassie...the PERFECT pets for her.....Unique. See - I said I would try to end on a positive note....and see again...I have nothing to complain about - my life is SO much easier that SO many peoples lives...but one thing I have learned...it's all relative - we all have our own happy. So....Im going to try really hard to find mine......i just have to figure out what that looks like for me again - and work to get it.

A whole year!

I decided to check my blog....just to see how long it had been since I last posted.....a WHOLE YEAR.....plus a couple of weeks! Skyler is now two, Cassie is almost 12.....and SO much has happened. We had a lesson at church a few weeks ago, and a sister brought with her the books from her blog that she had printed....she uses her blog as a family history...and has a book for the last several years. I have decided to follow her example, and use my blog to journal what is going on in our lives. To nutshell where we are right now, I am still serving as the Relief Society President, Cassie is doing great at school this year, although for some reason we have really struggle to stay on top of our game...lots of late mornings, lots of hurried breakfasts, lots of frustrating mornings, and I will take full responsibility for that! Joel is still working at UOP, and he is in school....hopefully he will finish soon....I SO want him to finish soon! I am working on projects....trash to treasure projects.....it is a way for me to feel like I am creating something.....and a nice creative outlet for me. Cassie is dealing with the tween years....friend drama.....boy drama......mama drama.....I can't WAIT until she is 14! Oh wait....YES I CAN! She is the most amazing kid...and even though we don't get along every day.......we are close, and she talks with me and shares with me what is going on in her life....what more could I ask for! Joel is the most amazing husband ever. I love him....he is my soul mate. Skyler.....well my little skyler pants is the light of my life. He is the most AMAZING little boy! He says the funniest things, does the funniest things.....Lub Boo Mommy, thank you mommy, Ummmmm YUP, Running,....running, running........Nack for snack, AMEN.....he folds his arms for prayers, gives hugs and kisses....LOVES big family group hugs more than anything else, is OBSESSED with B Ball....football, soccer and ANY sport involving a ball.....which makes his Daddy VERY happy! he watches sports with his daddy any chance he gets. He LOVES Curious George, and wants to read books ALL DAY LONG. He helps carry my purse to the car, helps carry groceries in from the car, wants to help with the dishes, sweeping, cleaning.....ANYTHING he can do to help his family. He is a joy.....the sweetest laugh ever....and my favorite....he has started laughing at the funniest things....which makes me laugh. Mainly when someone has fallen down......or when he is being naughty.....I don't let him see me smile or laugh about it, but how can I help myself? Our sweet shiloh is still around.....he keeps me company and makes me feel loved.....adored is more like it. He is the best dog ever! A week or so ago our upstairs flooded.....I will post pictures - what a MESS....but new carpet is fun!

Its All New

I can hardly believe that my Skyler is a year old....but there is a HUGE list of new things he can do....just in the past few weeks. He can say SO many words....Uh-Oh, Mama, Dada, NoNo, NiNight, This, More, he barks when he sees dogs, and GROWLS LOUDLY when he sees ANY other kind of animal......He is my little myna bird....when he hears a police siren he makes the same sound.......and MAN OH MAN the boy can YELL.....his Daddy thinks he is just copying me..which is probably true....I do have a very loud voice.....He is starting to take steps.....LOVES to sneak out the dog door, loves his sister more than ANYTHING...harasses the dogs like crazy by stealing their toys, and teasing them with his food....and MAN do they know that he is a WONDERFUL food source! He is a snuggle bug when he sleeps......and has started giving FULL on the mouth BIG BIG KISSES...which are my favorite....he holds your face when he wants you to look at him...in the eyes, loves to be outside....climbs on anything and EVERYTHING.....HATES it when the door knocks and the dogs freak out...he thinks he needs to freak out too.....LOVES to dance.....and gets INTO it.....eats everything and anything even though he still has just 2 teeth....crawls faster than anyone I have ever seen.....He is love....joy....and fun...more joy and happiness than anyone has the right to enjoy. We are SOOOOO blessed to have him in our family. I look at him sometimes and just have to grab him and hug him close just to make sure he is real...and he is....and he is ours....and we ADORE our little Mister! Our Sky Guy......

I have been debating about whether to try to catch up on everything that has happened over the past 8 months.....but there is just too much so for now, I'm gonna do a "update" and then I will go back, and do some "journaling" Cassie is in the 5th grade now, CRAZY! Skyler is almost walking, has started talking, and is my favorite son EVER! Yes....I know I only have one! BUT STILL.......Joel still works at UOP....even though they have changed everything, and he doesn't enjoy it NEARLY as much as he used too....I hear the clock tick tocking on that job.....which is OK by me! He has also started to work as a Shot Coach...what is that you ask? Well, he has been hired to teach some young men how to shoot a basketball. He is LOVING it....and is GREAT at it....and it's pretty cool because the boys' parents decided it would be WAY more worth their money to have their kids trained and worked with one on one, rather than have them go to a BBall camp with 50 other kids....PRETTY COOL! I am Relief Society Pres, have started working....I do marketing for Estate Planning Attorneys.....FUN, LOVE my kids and spend as MUCH time with them as I can! We head to Utah as often as we possibly can......and I am constantly amazed at how fast each day FLIES by! I have been realizing lately how truly blessed I am....I have a GREAT life!

My Miracles

Im a Mom. Today it's Mother's day. If last year you would have told me that I would be the Mom to two beautiful children I wouldn't have believed you....but I have learned that miracles come when we least expect them and both of my children are true miracles - as all children are. It has been an incredible year. We have been blessed more than words can say. Skyler Grant joined our family. He has brought such joy and love into our home.....I forgot how much work little ones can be...but OH THE JOY......his smile, his laugh, his little hands reaching out for me, the way he smells right after his bath....the way he looks at me when someone else is holding him....and the way he LOVES to snuggle with his Mommy when he is tired. Our little one is such a joy. And my beautiful Cassie. She turns 10 in just a few days - I find myself wondering HOW DID THAT HAPPEN? I don't know...but it did. Cassie and I are finding out what it's like to both have very strong opinions about things - and while some days I think we make eachother a little CRAZY.....well the love is always there - the love will ALWAYS be there. She is my heart...she is my calm, she is my sweet, she is my imagination, she is my deep thinker, she is my good.....she is my Cassie. I often think about my life, and about why things work out the way they do...and I wish I had ALL of the answers to that question, but one answer that I do have, is that I know that God loves me....whenever I look into the faces of my beautiful children - the children I wanted more then breath.....well there is no way to question my Heavenly Father's love for me. Last year I remember blogging about how I felt about my Mother....and I want to once again thank her....for everything. I wish I were more eloquent or more poetic....but I hope she knows how I feel and I hope that saying Thank you Mom....and I Love You....just let her know how much I do...love her. And for the other Mother's in my life. My amazing Mother in Law....who raised my amazing Husband.....how grateful I am for the woman that she is, and for the son that she raised. For all of my sisters - born and in law....for the amazing Moms that they are. For the amazing women I work with in church....how they are mother's to SO many. Where would the world be without Mothers? I have to...on this most special day....thank the two TRUE Mothers.....the two Mother's who put the needs of their children before their own, and sacrificed so much....so that I could hear the words "Mommy.....I love you". Thank You Nicole and Corinna - thank you forever....thank you for blessing my life so much and for giving so much of yourselves. I will never be able to thank you enough or repay you for my most amazing gift......my sweet children. Thank You. Happy Mothers Day to all the amazing Women in my life. To Mothers.

WHEW!

HOLY COW....it's been a busy couple of weeks. I knew that I would be busy as the new RS Pres. But I guess I didn't realize just HOW busy I would be....and my sweet little Skyler - well I couldn't do all I do if he wasn't such a good baby. He is such an ANGEL! I know you don't come to read this to hear about all the things that are keeping me busy, but yesterday was an amazing day....and I need a place to share it so if you want info just about Skyler....scroll down to the end - and you will find him...... So yesterday was Stake Conference - and it was WONDERFUL. The Saturday session was about the great need there is for LDS Foster Familes. Stories were shared about lives changed by people willing to open their homes and love kids......and stories were shared about lives that were ripped apart because there was no one to save and love these poor lost kids. It was inspiring and just reminded Joel and I of our goal to adopt a older sibling group.....when Skyler gets a LITTLE older. ANYWAY.....so that was Saturday, Sunday conference was great....a lot of inspiring stories....after conference we rushed home, loaded the car - after emptying our fridge....the RS sisters in the ward donated food so that we could provide a luncheon for the family of a part member family in our ward where the Mom was being baptized, the father was being ordained an Elder, and their sweet baby girl was being blessed...>WHAT A DAY for them. SO....we rushed to the church to get everything set up - and it was wonderful......we fed the family and cleaned up and then I RUSHED to a sister in our ward who was just released from the hospital....she recently had a double mastectomy and had been very ill.....so I went to visit and spend time with her.....she is as close to terminal as it gets - but she is trying her best to hold on....she is really scared. After that I RUSHED back home to get the fam.....and we all RUSHED to the Stake Center....AGAIN......for the baptism of Anna Sevey. What an amazing story for this sweet family. When I moved in the ward I NEVER would have guessed that she wasn't a member - she came to EVERY single activity.....she was just so involved and sweet - but I found out later that she had never been baptized.....anyway....like I said, her husband was ordained an Elder, her baby was blessed and she was baptized....she has 3 kids and her oldest boy, a sweet 4 year old gave the opening prayer, and I think that was the highlight of my day.....all by himself, he asked Heavenly Father to bless his family, to bless everyone who came to be with them that day....and he thanked his Heavenly Father that his family could finally be saved. HIS WORDS......it was just too sweet.....I was bawling. After the baptism, we served refreshments.......and FINALLY - I came home and LITERALLY Crashed.....Joel saved me of course....Cassie was in a RARE mood so we left her at home.......YEP....by herself! She played Wii Fit......HER CHOICE......but HOLY COW....what a DAY!.....and now for the sweet tender mercy......as I fell into bed Saturday night - and as my head hit the pillow, I said a prayer. I prayed that I would be able to sleep - that I had a huge day and needed some sleep so that I could do a good job for Anna's family and be able to handle everything (I am SO PMSing right now) . When I woke up at 6am I was in SHOCK! Skyler....my sweet little boy slept for 7 hours STRAIGHT......and he woke up with a COMPLETELY DRY DIAPER!!! Scared me to DEATH!! I was really worried about him......I mean how many 2 month olds sleep 7 hours and DON'T PEE ONCE!!! But.....as soon as I got him dressed - he peed on and through EVERYTHING.....dont' know where he was storing it all....but BOTH his legs got shaking and he just LET R FLY!!! Peed on everything and I had to change him....which was OK because I had actually slept and felt GREAT....which was my gift from Heavenly Father - because last night it was business as usual for him....up every 2.5 3 hours and SOAKED every time - don't worry he was at the doctor today and he said if it was an all the time thing we would worry, but it was probably nothing....he just slept deep - well our DR is LDS and I told him about my prayer and he said SEE....you were just being blessed - and I say AMEN to that! And for those of you who think I have just 1 kid named Skyler.....yes - I remember I have another one and YES she is still AMAZING.....she has been giving us the BEST FHE Lessons that she prepares herself, we are reading the Isiah chapters in the BOM and she actually understands and asks questions - where does she COME from? I didn't have a CLUE or a CARE about the Isiah chapters till my MISSION!! She is growing up TOO Fast - seriously.......my baby girl is almost 10 years old! CAN'T believe that! She loves her brother - is KICKIN BUTT in Karate....(no pun intended) and is rockin the house at school.....pretty much a straight A student - which means a lot because as a 4th grader she is doing 5th grade work - GO CASS!!!! And now.....drumm roll please......here is some video of skyler - he is so amazing.....the one where Joel is trying to make him smile is my favorite - it's not because Skyler smiles - it's because it's so cute to hear my big burly husband talk so silly to his baby boy.....enough to MELT MY HEART!!!! Oh....and that was just ONE day!!!!! PRAY FOR ME!!!

Barely Holdin' On!

Well, it has been a CRAZY month! For those of you who don't know.....I am the new Relief Society President for my ward......yep - I was sustained and set apart last week! HOLY COW it's a big job - SO much to do.....and it seems like there is just not enough hours in the day to get everything done. I know I may seem crazy, but I am enjoying it so much. My counselors are amazing women - truly....and I am really excited to work with them and get to know them better. So.....that is my reasoning for not blogging for SUCH a long time - actually, I want to just spend most of my time staring at and holding my Skyler. He is so precious! We are having so much fun with him.....he is such a little man, but is such a HUGE addition to our home. Cassie thinks he's boring, and I suppose to her he is, but ME.....well I am enjoying EVERY SINGLE "BORING" moment I have with him! So - for those of you who have been waiting and wondering....here are a few new pictures.....and a video of my beautiful little man! If you listen carefully, you can hear his little sleeping sounds - he kind of coos when he sleeps.......Mom and Sarah can explain, but it is the CUTEST sweetest thing EVER!! Love my little man, Love my Cassie and LOVE my big man! My life is busy.....but oh so sweet!!!